Relationships

The other day I received an email from a dear friend who has been actively doing his own personal growth work. He was sharing about some insights he has been having about how his ego creates distress and distance in his relationships with others. He then reminded me of something I “learned” a while back and that life keeps giving me the chance to learn again. Namely this: When the ego is running the show things don’t go so well – we feel anxious and desperate and feel the need to control others to gain their approval and the elusive security we believe that their approval will bring. When we can step outside the ego, to our higher self and let go of wanting control of the situation or of the other person we immediately feel released, relaxed, peaceful and can truly relate to the other person from a place of love and acceptance and not desperation and neediness.This prompted me to think about my relationships and some of the big life lessons they have given me.As Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes in “Women Who Run With The Wolves” there is a natural cycle in relationships of life/death/life and in order for a relationship to deepen and grow and become mature love we need to be willing to stay present for each other during the “death” phase and trust that new life will come to the connection in time. In our society we seem to have (myself included) forgotten about the second “life” phase. We get fixated on the initial life phase of relationships (often termed “romantic love” or the honeymoon phase) and we believe that there is something we can to do stay there – to keep our relationship in that perfect, everything is wonderful phase of love. We can’t. There is a natural flow in relationship where once we have enough security and time with someone our “shadow” side begins to surface.Those thoughts, feelings and behaviours that we held aside in an effort to reveal only our best selves start to emerge. Likewise, the deepening of intimacy in the relationship begins to push our security button and we begin to feel very fearful and threatened, both of the loss of the relationship and of the loss of our individuality. This is the “death” phase of the connection. Where the relationship begins to reveal its full self – the good, the bad and the ugly. This is the stage where most people bail. Thoughts of “you’re not who I thought you were” or “I didn’t sign up for this” abound and we begin to blame the other person for where the relationship is not working. “They are changing” we think and we feel duped and angry. Really, we are feeling scared because it’s time to jump off the cliff into mature adult love and a commitment to truly loving the other person come what may.Many of us don’t realize that this “death” phase of the relationship is just the middle phase and not the end. And because we don’t realize that we believe that the relationship has died and cannot be resurrected and so we leave to start again with someone who, we tell ourselves, will be more real or more healthy, or more right for us; someone who won’t kill the romance with their “stuff.” It doesn’t work like that – hence we find ourselves in 6 months or a year or even the next week, back in a new relationship which will ultimately find its way to the death stage of the cycle.The solution to the relationship revolving door is to realize that the death stage precedes the life stage – new life is coming. Hang in there! As we see ourselves holding on and staying present in the relationship through the revelation of each other’s shadow sides and through our own vulnerability we are blessed with a blossoming of intimacy, connection, commitment and love unlike anything we have ever known in romantic/honeymoon love. The romance is there, the love is there, but there is something else that’s there now and that is a deep sense of trust in the presence and continued love of your partner. You’re there for each other and you know it. This is true love. This is deep love. This is the connection we all truly desire but which so few of us ever attain because we turn back too soon. We turn away when things get tough and the shadow appears instead of holding fast and keeping our hearts open to our love.Certainly there are circumstances where you should consider turning back – if your partner is abusive (verbally, emotionally or physically) or violates your core values (ie. has affairs or lies to you). If your partner isn’t willing to take responsibility for their role in the relationship and do their work to be the best they can be and to grow beyond any harmful behaviour it is best to leave the relationship and establish a relationship with someone who will share the load with you and who is committed to emotional health and wellness first and foremost.And, I do believe that in any other circumstance, leaving the scene before the relationship has had a chance at rebirth – or the second life phase of the life/death/life cycle is only perpetuating your stay in relationship purgatory. We all want depth and security and commitment and true love and that only comes with the second phase of life. We must pass through the death of the initial connection to find the real jewel within.A few other things stood out for me as I reviewed my relationship past – recent or otherwise – that I’d like to share with you.I am more interested in having my partner in my life than I am interested in being “right”.If I’m not careful I can easily lose my balance and put all my eggs in my relationship basket. This means I can find myself losing my connection with friends or not following through on my self-care (exercise, yoga, meditation, journaling, hobbies etc.) which creates a greater dependence/urgency around the relationship than is necessary or healthy.I have had a hard time letting people, particularly my significant other see my mistakes/imperfections. This stems from an old story that we all carry that I have to be perfect/good enough in order to be loved. Not only did this need for perfection lead to some inauthenticity (which means it made it hard for me to be truly intimate with others) but it also left my partner feeling like he had to be perfect to keep up. This is so ironic, really, because I so admired his ability to be real and vulnerable and imperfect and strove to be able to do that myself. It also led my partner to initially put me on a pedestal which I promptly fell from and that stung a lot for both of us.~Next week Part II of Some Thoughts on Relationship~

Many people will find themselves in an unhealthy and/or dysfunctional relationship at some point in their lives. The longer one stays in this type of destructive relationship, the more difficult it is to break free from the vicious cycle of either staying in or re-entering into the same type of situation. There is no sugar-coating the fact that the problem with being in a dysfunctional relationship is that it will ultimately tear down self-esteem and diminish self-worth. Once this occurs, it is very difficult to recover – yet, the good news is that it is not impossible. How does one break free from destructive love in favor of healthy love?The answer is quite simple, know your worth and embrace self-love. Although the answer may be simple, the implementation is not always as easy; particularly if the relationship has been abusive either physically or emotionally. It makes it even more difficult to end the cycle if the relationship has been going on for an extended period of time. In either of these instances, it can sometimes be quite difficult to decipher between whether the relationship is true love or dysfunctional love. This gives a new meaning to blurred lines! The key to making the distinction between true love and dysfunctional love is that true love does not hurt physically or emotionally. Even with the greatest capacity of self-love, it is still important to be able to spot the red flags of potentially dysfunctional relationships early on in order to avoid falling into the cyclical abyss of dysfunctional love. This holds true for both women and men.Let me be very clear, I am not a relationship expert by any stretch of the imagination. What I do know for sure is that when it comes to personal relationships chemistry, physical attraction, or even co-dependence may overshadow logic. Of course, logic and love are not always congruent, if ever. Therefore, spotting red flags sooner than later will help to circumvent the pitfalls of falling into an unhealthy relationship. “Falling” in love implies that one has no control over the situation. Yet, red flags are pretty obvious indicators to detect certain behaviors or tendencies that a prospective mate may have which are tell-tale signs that a relationship is or will ultimately become dysfunctional or even toxic. By not being a relationship expert, I certainly have not perfected the craft of identifying all red flags, or even catching them in advance of entering into a relationship. It all goes back to the internal struggle between love and logic. In essence, sometimes the heart just wants what the heart wants; or at least I think it’s the heart. Even though I have not perfected the skill of identifying all red flags, here are some examples of what I know for sure to watch out for to avoid certain despair of a dysfunctional relationship:RED FLAG #1: THE NEVER-ENDING ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN “RELATIONSHIP”To make a long story short, I once dated a guy (or maybe two) in an “on-again off-again” situation for way over what would be considered a normal courting period. Actually, I cannot call it dating or a relationship; maybe the term “situation” describes it best. This type of situation is always very ambiguous and the status (whether it is on again or off again) is very seldom clear to either party. First of all, the red flag in this situation is that any long-term relationship that is still in an on-again, off- again state for a long period of time is a true sign of a deep rooted fear of commitment. Undefined situations such as this may seem convenient in some respects but they are a breeding ground for deception and misery in the long-run. Unless deceit and betrayal sounds alluring; then these unstable undefined relationships should be avoided at all costs. On the flip side, maybe the thought of having time to play the field during the ambiguous off-again times sounds appealing because the switch can always be flipped by either side. These days, for me anyway, I see these as messy arrangements that scream red flag! It is best to spot these shady red flags sooner than later and keep it moving.RED FLAG #2: THE POTENTIAL ABUSERAnyone who goes from 0 to 60 from initial meeting to talking marriage is a definite red flag! Combine this with control issues and the situation can get rather fiery. Take for example one guy I met who asked if he could call me Tina. Since my name is not Tina, I was gearing up to tell him a thing or two. Then he said, “You know – Tina, like in Ike & Tina Turner”. He went on to explain how Ike was a protector who only had Tina’s best interest at heart. Listen, I saw the movie “What’s Love Got to Do with It” and, no disrespect to the fabulous Tina Turner, but this screamed red flag. There had been other tell-tale red flags such as when a mutual acquaintance unexpectedly leaned across the dinner table and whispered to me, “Whatever you do, don’t ever make him mad”. Need I say more? Of course, my heart wanted to overpower the logical side of my brain because like I said before, the heart wants what the heart wants. The situation escalated when he began to time my commute to and from work then told me what time he expected me to arrive home each day. This spilled over into him telling me what type of clothes to wear, what color fingernail polish to wear and that he expected me to answer the phone whenever he called (i.e., no more calls going to voicemail). Look, I am quite the independent woman, so I never acquiesced to his demands. Luckily, I came to my senses early and allowed logic to triumph. By spotting this red flag early, I was able to walk away virtually unscathed.RED FLAG #3: THE POTENTIAL PHILANDEREROnce when I was at the store getting my cell phone fixed, like clockwork, the dysfunctional relationship gods sat this tall, dark sip of chocolate right across from me. We started small talk about the issues each of us was having with our phones. Finally, his phone was fixed and it was time for him to leave. We said our goodbyes and he left. About 15-minutes afterwards, he returned to the store and started walking straight toward me. Once he got to where I was sitting, he handed me his business card. He then said he just had to come back because, of course, he thought I was “so adorable”. I had a hunch that he was married when he handed me his business card as opposed to his cell phone number. After all, we had been discussing our cell phones. Granted, not everyone who hands out their business card to a person of interest is married, but this one had red flag all over it. Once I finally got up the nerve to contact him, I asked him whether there was any particular reason he gave me his business card as opposed to his cell number. Luckily he was pretty honest and admitted that he was married. Of course this was after giving me the spiel about how his marriage was in trouble and that I appeared to be “Mrs. Wonderful”, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I thanked him for his honesty but told him that I respect the sanctity of marriage and could never in good conscious be in contact with a married man. I did not ask him to call me if/when he divorced because that would be Red Flag #4, The Rebounder. Anyway, another potential dysfunctional relationship averted.In a nutshell, embracing self love and knowing your worth is the key to entering into a healthy relationship. It is important to be honest about what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship. The goal is to try to spot dysfunction before even entering into the abyss of an unhealthy relationship. Being in a dysfunctional relationship, such as the ones described above, will make you feel you have little or nothing to offer. Once you embrace self-love and begin to know your worth, it will become clear that anyone who tries to diminish your self esteem or devalue your worth is not someone who is worthy of your time or energy. Only a person in a position of weakness will try to demean someone whom they profess to love. Someone recently told me that being in a dysfunctional relationship is comparable to developing muscle-memory from working out. Once the muscle is conditioned in a certain way, over time, it will retain that pattern even without conscious effort. Relationships are the same way. A person can become so conditioned to being in a dysfunctional relationship that it begins to feel normal. At least we now have the tools to spot them before they even start. A quote that I recently read somewhere sums it up beautifully. It says, “Don’t worry about people from your past. There’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future” ~Anonymous. Identifying red flags is definitely a useful tool in determining who you should bring with you into your future and those that need to be left in your past.